when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm bleeding and have questions
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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