I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
