dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
