No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
