dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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