I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
