from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Randomize
