I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
