Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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