we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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