I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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