he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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