he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
