I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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