where am i from again
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
