just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
