how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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