Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
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apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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