Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
