i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
