Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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