I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Welp...herpes.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
