It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My cat gives me a boner
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
