I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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