Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
