all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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