I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
