genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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