i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
