I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
