I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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