I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
