She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
