It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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