Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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