I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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