barbara walters just said penis...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
