I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
