I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
