i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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