I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
