I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Randomize
