Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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