If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
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So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
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I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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