my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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