omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
