so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Randomize
