I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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