it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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