The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
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Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
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it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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