so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
