She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
