remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
