I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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