PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
