My liver just broke up with me...
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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