Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
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