i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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