i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
