and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
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he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
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Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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