Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
