i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
